My room smells like vodka and shame
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
