on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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