Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
