I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
