We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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