I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
