God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
