I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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