The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
