peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
