At least make sure they are 18
Why
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
