I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
