why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
