I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
