you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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