she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
