I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
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