last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
