32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
