THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
