I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i wish my penis had a tongue
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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