I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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