Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
