i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
