I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
