I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
