i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We don't watch enough power rangers
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
