That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
