she woke up with a sticky ear
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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