I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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