1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
