I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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