My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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