I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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