Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
im six kinds of drunk right now
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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