So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
