When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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