i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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