That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Randomize
