When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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