I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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