I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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