I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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