My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
