Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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