I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
