I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
