My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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