he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
