I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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