im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
