You're so nebulous sometimes
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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